When Reality Really Bites

Back in the good and not so old days, I spent my days working in the advertising and fashion world, I saw plays, I listened to music in Central Park while picnicking by candlelight, went bar hopping and bed hopping, worked for peace, performed as a stand up comic, hopped into a few more beds and in general was a city girl who took advantage of life and some of those “I am just not that into you but i will sleep with you” men.Silly men, I was not into them either. Ah, can’t wait to forward this blog to my mother.

So where the hell am I going with this? Nowadays I work in my home office trying to build up my coaching business, writing a best seller(got to be positive), playing with my 5 cats (which generally means trying to get them off the keyboard and away from the screen), and stuff like that. For about 10- 12 hours a day and sometimes is happens 7 days a week. Where did I go?

At the end of the night I am beat and miss my old life. All of it. So what does this former wild child do? She watches Bravo and some of those absolutely dreadful reality shows. This funky east village girl is glued to these sucky shows like a small mouse is stuck to sticky glue pad. Both are wrong on so many levels.

The one that horrifies me beyond reason and logic is those housewives shows. You know what I am talking about? If not, then there is still time to get to NYC this summer with a crystal candelabra and a bottle of fine wine in hand and get thee to Central Park!

This season a blond bitch got another dumber blond so drunk at a party and the former blond’s son tried to bed her. Oh, you have got to be so proud of yourself! And this is while the later dumb blond’s rich boyfriend lied dying in the hospital. And you know how the former blond bitch was rewarded for such bad behavior? Her husband bought her a tennis bracelet for 35 grand. Remind me to run over my neighbor. There’s got to be a choker with my name on it. Diamond encrusted no doubt.

I wish I could say that I take out War and Peace to lull me to sleep. But I have to go back each week. I pray for major earthquakes to hit those houses in Orange County. I just don’t get why these women are allowed to breathe.

One has a son with a major, major drug problem so she has a wedding that made the stimulus program seem like chump change.

And their breasts! Nobody has breasts like that and most of them look so unappealing – like Stonehenge, but not that pretty.

The next generation is so damn scary. No ambition, no drive except for maybe 2 of them and one wanted to join the army so she could get away from her mother. I don’t blame her. I’ll drive her to Afghanistan myself!

Now the west coast is over and next week it is the east coast. This group makes my skin crawl. Most of them slept their way to a penthouse in the sky. And none of them seem to appreciate it – they feel so damn entitled. I feel they deserve to lose it all. And just because you marry someone with a title does not make you any better than any one else. How dare you? How bloody dare you? You ain’t all that sister!

I am appalled by my lack of common sense and even more appalled by the network’s lack of good taste.

If this is what the future generation is going to look like, then I should have frozen my eggs.

And I will do that right after I get back from Betty Ford. I hear they have a detox program for reality bites shows.

Greetings from Betty Ford. Wish I was there!

So You Don't Want The Money From The Stimulus Package - Gimme It!

Dear Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana and Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi,

Say what? You seem to want to make trouble for the new president because he’s a democrat and he is desperately trying to fix a leak in the damn that is about the size of this country. Wonder who started that leak? Could it be the jelly head who just left office? Rings true to me.

So I want to address both of you separately. Let’s start with the state that I hated to spell in grammar school. Miss iss ippi. Couldn’t you just call the state “Bob?” Do you know how many times I had to stay after school and write that bloody name on the chalkboard? BTW – I will never visit your state! So you don’t want all the money because a law should be changed to give unemployment to part time workers? I bet most would like full time jobs but couldn’t get them. I bet if they don’t get help, you’ll have money problems then unemployment. How about more homeless, more crime, more violence? We are not playing by the old rules. The old rules got us here. People need help and they need it now.

I do know of one way to bring health care costs down in your state so that you could save a bundle. I can’t believe that I want to help a state that got me detention! Look around . What do you see? The fattest state in this country! Over 30% of your people are obese. over 30%! Your people are killing themselves. How about taking that money and buy a few treadmills, take junk food out of schools, start more sports programs, make walking mandatory, make employees get up every 30 minutes to walk and stretch their legs? Miss iss ippi could be the first state to say, “You can’t fry it when you’re on a diet!”Stop playing with people’s lives. If the government ,in this day and age, does not do enough to help its people then I think people will have the right to turn their back on their government and then things could get really nasty. Maybe a bunch of unemployed and homeless people could come live in the governor’s mansion with you and the little lady. Although if she is living in Miss iss ippi chances are that she isn’t that little. meow.

Okay getting moving and call Richard Simmons and let’s chat with Bobby. You are the governor of Louisiana another state I hated to spell. So you got your eye on the presidency in 2012? You know we won’t let you in until President Obama fixes the country and by then you will probably be a democrat because it may take a long time before you all get back into the White House without a personal invitation.

So you don’t want to cover more people on unemployment? who do you deny insurance to? Because it might call for an increase in taxes? Hello? Anyone at home there? Now nobody likes taxes, but I think most would not like to see people living in their cars, kids not going to school, more violence and more people dying because you are so damn busy with trying to look like you don’t need the stinking money! You need the stinking money. A lot! Remember Hurricane Katrina? Remember what bad government did to your state? Remember all those people without homes, bloated bodies floating in the flood waters and people without medicine or clean water? How about forgetting politics for a while and concentrate on helping your people?

We need to concentrate on the now because if we don’t, you can kiss the future of this country good bye. Everyone will move to France. If they will have us.

I can’t say that I know all that goes into the stimulus program, but I do get annoyed when the governor of Idao’s lawyer, Mr. Hensley, says and I quote, “ I never imagined that Congress would tell the state of Idaho to spend $5.5 billion on bike paths and pedestrians lanes. “(NY Times 2/21/2009). Go peel a potato or 2. I don’t think Congress is telling you that, but if you look closer maybe you’ll see someone from your state who stuck it the package. Now i know there are things like that in the package and whoever put these things in needs to be horse whipped, but for about 15 Grand, I‘ll fix the path and walks. Put the rest in education for moronic lawyers and silly governors.

Start Samll. Finish Big. Size Does Matter.

parents’ car for the first time and just drove away? Okay, maybe a few of you. But how many of you ended up denting a fender and then had a lot of explaining to do? How many of you sat down in the first grade and wrote a best selling novel? I’d like to say that I did, but back then I didn’t know a B from a Q.

So how do you get there – from driving cross country to dip your big toe into the Pacific or to autographing copies of your first book for a long line of adoring book enthusiasts?

With all you have to do on a daily basis, you need to be inventive and steal a few minutes each day that you can claim for your very own. Seems like not enough time to even bother working towards a new goal or fulfilling a long held dream? Well, I beg to differ.

Start small. Finish big. That’s it.

Since I am obligated to finish this blog, I will continue.

When you think about what would make your life have more meaning, does the big picture make you shake uncontrollably? Are you working or raising a family or both, but would love to take that dream about becoming a portrait photographer, a potter or a politician and bring it closer to a reality? Would you love to have more room in your life by removing years of junk that is taking over your closets and drawers and driving you to distraction? Start small. Finish big.

1) Give yourself a deadline. I had a client who wanted to clear out years of papers that had been making her bedroom a fire hazard.I asked her if she could devote 5 minutes over the weekend to go thru some of the papers. She mocked me when I suggested only 5 minutes, but agreed to it.We spoke the following week and she ending up giving herself 15 minutes and threw out 3 bags of items that no longer had room in her life. She started small and exceeded her goal. And she decided to keep giving herself permission to allow more into her life by getting rid of things that were taking up her space. Start small. Finish big.

2) Take 15 minutes for yourself.Yes, you can. Your dreams are calling and they would like an answer. In fifteen minutes, you could Google art schools in your area that offer photography course. Ask them for the names of advisors that you could talk to. You could call local art galleries and find out how to put together a show of your pottery. Start making it real. You could look up politicians in your area and call them about how you could volunteer in the community. Get that momentum going. Start small. Finish big.

3) Give your goals a safety net and watch what happens. Don’t abandon what you love to do or need to do because of time. So many other people found the time and achieved there goals. So why not you? You deserve it. Look for supportive people who will encourage you to move ahead. Steer clear of the negative people – they are the dream killers. Actually, they are scared to shake things up, but are probably envious of your spirit. We need dreamers who reach their goals to inspire us all. Do it for us. Start small. Finish big, It’s that simple. Now get out there and give me 15!

If you have tried the, “Start Small. Finish Big” theory, please leave a comment and let us know about your successes and challenges. You could be someone’s inspiration. Imagine that.

AIG...ARRGGGHHH!

Are President Obama and I the only ones who feel total outrage and disgust that executives of AIG were given $150 million in bonuses?

What the hell?

This insurance company shot itself in the head and went to the U.S. ER and begged to be saved. No last rites for them. Because of their size, these buggers were given $173 billion dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So instead of stopping there and saying, “Thank you very much. We promise to do much, much better in the future,” they went out and gave their executives, who should have had their butts kicked out because of their stellar work, BONUSES FOR DOING A CRAPPY JOB!!!!!

Do you remember hearing about people getting lousy bonuses or no bonuses because they did a poor job? People who do fabulous work at their jobs don’t normally get bonuses like some of these fools did. Oh, it’s in their contract?

Hello- AIG – life as you know it does not exist anymore. No more rewarding for bad, no terrible work.

So now they say the lawsuit would cost them more if they did not honor the contract and give out the bonuses. Oh, please. Spare me. Don’t you all feel a little stupid for even making that statement?

President Obama – I am behind you 100% if you want to take that money back. I will even drive the “give me back our damn money” car if you need a driver. And if I run one or 2 of them over, can I get a bonus?

This is the 2nd time in one week that I say, “Gimme the money .” Back. Now!

Words that Kill My Tastebuds

We all know that words can hurt. There are too many to list. The hope is that one day there will be less words that separate people. Maybe one day they will be as foreign as polio, horse and buggy, weston hamburgers, and groovy.

The words I am wring about are words in our vernacular that are thrown around on a daily basis. And when I hear them, something in my brain goes, “STOP!! There ought to be a law.”

Without further ado, here are words to avoid if you are within 50 miles of me.

Succulent – I feel slimy just typing in this word. If someone says that something is that revolting word – I feel my stomach acids start to kick in and a list of profanities slip through my lips. Who are the people who made up these words? And why are they not in jail? I remember years ago hearing about a succulent pig. I threw up. And I felt so bad for the pig’s family. Don’t use that words around me. Please. It contains the word “Lent” in it so any of you are observing Lent add this to things not to do. Let’s just make it for 40 years instead of days. I will be dead by then.

Gorgeous – this word never made it to George Carlin’s list of words that cannot be said on TV, but since George is no longer with us, I would like to add that word. I am willing to let the f bomb be said during the nightly news ( where it rightly belongs when talking about the economy)over the G word. Nobody can say that word without the tiny hairs inside my ears spontaneously combusting. It’s not pretty and it hurts me. Deeply.

Delicious – Now this used to be an acceptable word until human beings became delicious or the shirt I was wearing became delicious. What the hell? Delicious is about the world of food. The cake was delicious, the chicken was delicious but for God’s sake, Aunt Betty is not delicious. And I will not be party to such a cannibalistic act. Put the knife down won’t you? If I hear someone say that so and so looks delicious, I just might put a lobster bib on them and watch. Dig in.

Yummy – Grow up. Get a thesaurus. (unless, of course, it is really yummy.)

I need to get a life, so I will list some other words that you really should steer clear from saying in my zip code. If you have an urge to say them just bite down on your tongue. Hard.

Paradigm, plethora (sounds like a tile for a Hitchcock movie) and the new biggie – transparent.

I think I have been very clear (or is that transparent ) on my request to not say those words around me.